Fear

“Have pity on those who are fearful of taking up a pen, or a paintbrush, or an instrument, or a tool because they are afraid that someone has already done so better than they could…” (Excerpt from The Pilgrimage, Paulo Coelho)

I recently read these words and I absolutely connected to them. Often this feeling of fear and inadequacy overtakes me, stopping me from pursuing any creative outlets.

I wonder when the perfectionist in me took hold and decided that I could only go after things I was ‘good’ at. I seem to have had this feeling, this issue as far back as I could remember. I never quite learned that pursuing something - anything - of joy sometimes (oftentimes!) meant falling down along the way. That there are lessons taught from ‘failure’, particularly when failures and fears are overcome through perseverance.

As a child and young teen, I used to write solely for myself and occasionally a few creative pieces needed for school. I also dabbled in the viola, photography, and filmmaking. There was a definite point, though, when I looked around at my classmates and felt that I just did not measure up. What was the point of continuing these creative pursuits if I wasn’t going to be able to make a name for myself nor make money from them? 

Only now, 20 years later, am I starting to understand that I’ve done myself a disservice. If I enjoy doing something, I should Just Do It (Nike was right after all, who knew?)! Screw what others will think and that they are better at it than I am. That’s not the point.

My soul needs art. It doesn’t judge me – it wants me to explore and grow and be free from the constraints I place on myself. In unburdening myself of this fear, I move closer to my true self by being open to the lessons I have yet to learn.